Validate, Validate, Validate
Have you ever been in a relationship (any type, really) where you and the other person just could not come to an agreement on something and argued about it over and over again? I see it all the time with lovers, friends, and parents/children. Both people are desperately trying to be heard but each is really only trying to prove their own point of view. These types of patterns can become deeply intrenched and wreak havoc on or even destroy the relationship.
Validation is one solution for this. A Google search reveals several definitions but the one most important for our conversation is “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid and worthwhile.” Taking the time to let the other person know that you see and understand their point of view and feelings about the situation can open the door to productive dialogue about solving the issue.
As a professional counselor, I was trained to validate my patients. Validation creates a healing space for the person and helps them to feel understood and seen for who they truly are. I focus a lot on validation in the first few sessions to build rapport and make the patient comfortable. Usually, at some point in our first session, I try to get my patient to say “Exactly!” when I describe their feelings and perspective.
For many folks, that validation falls like water in a dry desert and, for some, it can be enough to prompt self-correcting and healing behaviors. Many of us were invalidated growing up and continue to be so at work, home, and with friends. Most of us don’t mean to invalidate each other but it’s just not something we were taught or are aware of. This chronic invalidation can lead us to feeling misunderstood, disconnected, or even defective.
With all of us walking around feeling invalidated, it is refreshing when we meet someone who takes the time to see and communicate back to us what we are feeling or seeing. I see the deep affects of validation in my practice all the time and for some people one validating person is enough for a process of growth and change to occur. Using validation in our personal relationships can make them more productive and satisfying.
Learning to validate others will be a process and is harder the more emotional you are about something. It will challenge you to take a different stance than you might when normally communicating with someone but its worth every bit of effort. Below are a few tips for learning to validate:
1. Keep a Learner’s attitude
Since validation involves reflecting back a person’s feelings or POV, you must first enter the conversation with a learner’s attitude. This stance comes in believing that you are not absolutely right about anything but are open to learning and modifying your perspective as more information comes along. This type of attitude will open you up to really hear what the other person is saying (and not saying).
2. Rephrase what the other person has said
The most basic type of validation is paraphrasing what the other person is saying. It’s important that you use your own words when doing so and not parrot as it can sound sarcastic or disingenuous.
3. Normalize their experience
It is never helpful to tell someone that they are the only one who feels this way or are wrong for their feelings. Instead, focus on how you or other people can relate to the feelings someone is experiencing.
4. Recognize how the past plays into the present
We’re all complex with multiple factors influencing our worldview. We’re all sensitive to certain topics because of past experience. Validate how past experience can influence current feelings and state that connection with the information you have.
5. Learn to hear what isn’t being said
A supervisor I worked with always challenged me to “listen to what isn’t being said.” Many of us struggle with expressing feelings in a clear and concise way so we avoid it altogether. But, if you listen carefully enough, you can often hear the things under what someone is saying. By using your knowledge of past experiences and the person’s personality, you can recognize patterns, connections, or underlying feelings.
Validation is a relationship skill that you probably weren’t taught but can learn to use with relative ease. Validation will improve your relationships and being validated helps you to feel understood and connected. Learning to validate other people’s feelings first allows them to feel seen and, consequently, better engage in a productive dialogue. It can be the jump start that troubling relationship needs to move forward.
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